Depressed: Everything I didn’t say

Depressed! The truth is I hate this feeling, the heaviness that takes over my limbs and my days. Leaving me feeling dry and empty, as if I’m the only cup in the world without any water. 

Certain things/people still affect me the way they used to two years ago. Though I’ve learnt things but… every person who ever mattered to me has changed me into a different person. I don’t know which parts of me are real, and which fake. I try to get over people, and find that once you start getting over someone you used to love, you realise how ordinary that person was, and it was actually you who made them special.

This affects my work as well, and I’ve already discarded the two-line job resignation letter, having no reason to mention. Depression is stupid. You can’t tell anyone you’re depressed. The work that I was doing smoothly, has now turned into “very poorly written”. I don’t give any excuses behind my poor performance, I simply accept them and survive, believing this too shall pass and I’ll write better tomorrow. 

I sometimes share my vulnerabilities with people close to me, thinking they’ll better understand me. On a Saturday, I shared with a colleague of mine that gatherings and parties depress me, leaving me shaking. And that’s the reason I don’t attend any birthday parties in office. I shared more such things, and for my better, she advised me to meditate, visit temples and…see a psychiatrist. That was the last thing I wanted to listen. My younger brother once said in anger the same thing, and so did a so-called friend of mine in a WhatsApp group I created for our school reunion. Though the reunion was planned by me and an another friend of mine, it was celebrated a day before the planned date, and I was unknown to it. I was later told that nobody wanted me there. I don’t understand why!

Still I’m always asked to make friends where I live, where I work, everywhere I go. For all I’ve learnt is that friendships and relationships just brought me misery. And they’re the only reasons behind people suggesting me to see a psychiatrist. I’ve given too much of myself to the wrong people. I want to love and be loved, but there is that jaded side of me that would prefer to stay alone, remain within my walls, my emotions and not give my heart again. 

Too much to bear. I’m not supposed to be writing this, I should be studying for the EDC exam for which I’ve taken a break from work. I should accept that time takes away many things with it, however mine were just smiles. 🙂

-V

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